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Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…