Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo