Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My doctor says I only have one diabete.