I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.