[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?