Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will