Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
men, we mow at sunrise.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.