When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.