finally
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking