Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
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When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Scream sneezers need love too.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.