The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.