Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard