DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Nice try Hitler
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper