it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The asteroid..
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same