A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.