The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship