I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
You Might Also Like
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My flabber has been gasted.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?