That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Don’t forget to tip your server
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Liquor Store Parking
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!