In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed