trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Stop sending me this shit.