– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it