Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.