Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?