On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!