Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
wish me luck lads
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Yoga Matt
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Oh no
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.