So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong