According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.