Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Time for evil
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”