“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
How actors in movies eat their food
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
The smoothest fall of all time
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps