Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.