A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
This is so me 😂😂
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.