I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no