If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
You Might Also Like
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*