Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.