Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only