Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.