“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.