My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.