Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Life cycle of cat
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.