Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
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Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong