*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
You Might Also Like
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.