I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.