Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days