[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*