The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.