– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
inside you are two wolves
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?