i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Close call…
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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