Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
did it work
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”