Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.