Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”